Scooby Doo and the mystery of the ERG

A mysterious group have secretly hijacked the government reducing Theresa May to no more than a dancing puppet. With no one capable of investigating the villains who call themselves the ERG we’ve called in the famous Mystery Inc. led by the incredible Scooby Dooby Doo to do some digging.

These crime fighters have never failed in their quest to unmask villainy but they have never faced anyone as dastardly as these super criminals. Known only as The Mogg, Mr Not-Cleverly and Brandon Loo-is. They already have several infiltrators in the cabinet such as The Govenator, Clueless Fox, Mrs Leadpant and Sajid Joker the world is concerned about what dastardly plan they have hatched! Joined by a bunch of people you will never have heard of this is surely time for the Mystery Machine to invade Whitehall and get to the bottom of this before it’s too late!

Scooby and his gang arrive at the Palace of Westminster to find it in complete disarray with a witch wearing leopard print shoes waving a white flag from the security fences shouting ‘Strong and Stable’ repeatedly.

The screeching of this devious yet pathetically desperate hag send the gang fleeing for the first tube out of there leaving only Scooby Doo hanging around, tempted by the promise of massively subsidised Scooby Snacks in the lobby bar.

Suddenly our hero, Scooby, felt a chill creep up his spine as he heard the haunting tones of a monster straight out of medieval times claiming that ‘No Deal’ would be brilliant for his wealthy chums and that they should ‘not worry any more now that enough body bags had been stockpiled to cope with demand’.

The grisly bunch of criminals laughed like maniacs and used secret handshakes that looked suspiciously like those used by total wankers pretending they were part of the cool gang.

“Yoiks” gulped Scooby. He had never encountered such a gruesome bunch of selfish despots in over 1,000 episodes of his famous TV show.

Scooby quickly stood as still as a statue so that he looked like a large stuffed fox realising that all of these evil-doers had voted to bring back fox hunting so would appreciate such a trophy and not be suspicious at all.

Scooby was a master of disguise unlike these clowns.

Scooby remained frozen while the despicable ERG discusses their plans for world domination.

It transpired that they were all seeking to bring the U.K. to it’s knees in order to turn a profit. Their demonic plans were beyond the comprehension of most ordinary people and it sounded like code to Scooby as they repeatedly used words not heard since the time of feudalism which they all longed to see a return to.

To a Scooby it sounded like they were saying ‘Gobbledygook, naffarating forsooth subjugation’ and eventually he fell asleep falling onto a hardwood table decorated with the bones of the poor.

CRASH went the priceless heirlooms used to decorate the members bar rather than be sold off to feed the masses.

‘Dash’ they all cried in various posh accents.

‘It’s a peasant in our exclusive bar and it isn’t even cleaning our brogues’ said The Mogg fainting away as if the mere presence of humanity sickened him.

The rest of the criminal clan started to scarper but their exit was blocked by the rest of Mystery Inc. who had realised that the screeching woman was just a sad old bat clinging desperately to a power she had never truly earned.

When The Mogg finally came around, with not a coiffed hair out of place, his friends were in chains and had been charged with High Treason for trying to destroy the U.K. in an effort to make some coin and cause social Armageddon just for a haughty laugh.

“We would have gotten away with it too,” said The Mogg, “if it wasn’t for you pesky commoners and your morals. Oh, and your quest for truth and decency.”

“Scooby Dooby Doo” our hero called, pleased to have saved an entire nation from the selfish and despicable plan of such a bunch of elitist tossers with no conscience.

NEXT TIME: Scooby tries to resolve the Customs Union Mystery

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